Sharuko
by syrraki
Summary: Set directly after the shippuden movie. "Sasuke only thinks of three things," Kakashi interjected, "Training to defeat Itachi, ensuring he is never licked by Orochimaru, and the controversial nail polish issue"


I am sorry guys. I genuinely do not know what it is about Naruto that makes me think "Haha, oh I've GOT to parody that." But there you have it. This is basically the end of the Naruto Shippuden film, and what happens afterwards. If you didn't watch the film, you should still kinda understand it, just a few jokes wont make sense. All you need to know is that the priestess, Shion, asks Naruto in a roundabout way, to father her child, and Naruto accepts.

This is dedicated, by the way, to Yuko, who has very kindly offered to translate some of my stuff into Russian and German and who asked me to write me.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I certainly don't own a maths textbook, so I can't revise. ... What do you mean what's that textbook shaped object with maths on the front? It's a waffle, obviously.

* * *

"I'll do whatever it takes," Said Naruto with a wide smile. Lee choked on nothing, Kakashi's mouth dropped open (not that you could tell) and Sakura gasped.

"Naruto!" she exclaimed, aghast. "What are you doing?"

"Eh? I'm just helping Shion out! Like a good shinobi," Naruto protested, confused by Sakura's reaction.

"You just agreed to father a child! Good shinobis kill, they don't have babies!"

"Whaat?" screeched Naruto. "No I didn't!

"Yes you did!" Sakura yelled back.

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Actually you did. That's exactly what I was insinuating. I've apparently fallen in love with you. Must have been when your hair got wet and you had that L'Oreal moment," disclosed Shion. (He is worth it, thought Neji.)

"What?!" screeched Naruto again, before turning to Sakura, hands clasped in front of him. "I'm so sorry Sakura-chan! I had no idea! I still like you, even if you beat me up all the time, I wont make babies with the priestess if you don't want me to!"

A vein on Sakura's (massive) forehead throbbed. "Naruto you idiot, I'm not angry because of that!"

"Eh?" Naruto said stupidly, as Sakura hit him on the head. "You mean you're not jealous?"

"Idiot, as if I'd be jealous," scoffed Sakura. Neji, who was quietly observing, thought this was a bit harsh, as the little Uzumaki was pretty tasty looking.

"T-then why can't I make babies with Shion?" asked Naruto, tentatively, so as to avoid behind hit. (Futilely, as it happens, because he got hit anyway.)

"Because of Sasuke-kun!" Sakura answered. Everyone simultaneously frowned in confusion, except for Shikamaru who was already frowning, he just muttered a quiet 'troublesome.'

"S-Sasuke?" asked Naruto, completly ready to start flashbacking if necessary. He was thinking a well-placed Valley of the End clip might be good. "You mean I need to get Sasuke back before I can have babies with Shion?" Shion huffed at this delay in the baby making. "Of course I'll do that. I made a promise didn't I?"

Sakura slammed a hand into her (massive) forehead. Kakashi giggled at all the mention of baby-making.

"No, I mean what's Sasuke-kun going to think if he finds out that you're making babies with priestess girl here?" Sakura asked. Naruto stared, wondering if this was a trick question.

"Actually Sakura, I believe Sasuke only thinks of three things," Kakashi interjected, counting them off on his fingers. "Training to defeat Itachi, ensuring he is never licked by Orochimaru, and the controversial nail polish issue."

"Nail polish?" enquired Gai.

"If he wears it, it helps with his dark avenger, I-defected-from-konoha-and-all-I-got-was-this-weird-white-shirt-with-no-buttons look. But Itachi wears nail polish, and Sasuke hates Itachi.

"Perplexing," said Gai. "I say he wears it, but a different colour to his brother. Perhaps green!" (I agree, said Lee)

"How does this prevent the production of an heir?" asked Shion impatiently.

"Oh shut up, prophecy girl," said Sakura. "Naruto is promised to Sasuke-kun."

"WHAT?" screamed Naruto. (Neji yelled it inside his head.) "I am NOT!" (Phew, thought Neji.)

"Okay, well you at least kissed," said Sakura.

"What? When?" (Neji echoed the questions in his head.)

"On the first day!"

"I was pushed!" (That means it doesn't count, Neji thought, relieved.)

"What about at the Valley of the End?"

"He was trying to kill me! He didn't stop for a quick smooch in the middle!" exclaimed Naruto, waving his arms for emphasis.

"What about when you were unconcious! He could have kissed you then," Sakura pointed out.

"Firstly, he didn't. Secondly, it wouldn't have counted even if he did, because I was unconscious!"

"I agree with Naruto," put in Neji.

"So all systems are go with the Sharuto plan?" Everyone stared at Shion.

"Oh! I get it!" said Lee, joyously. "Shion plus Naruto equals Sharuto!"

"No, it doesn't. There will be no Sharuto-ing," said Sakura darkly. "Naruto has to produce the Uchiha heir, no babies before that."

"WHAT?" Shrieked Naruto, in his oh so high-pitched voice.

"You know," said Sakura. When Sasuke kills Itachi and returns to Konoha, you help him to rebuild his clan."

"I will not!!" exclaimed Naruto emphatically. "I couldn't anyway! I'm a boy, if you hadn't noticed!"

"And a damn fine one," said Neji. EVeryone stared. "I mean he can't have a son," Neji explained. Everyone turned back.

"Can't Kyuubi, you know, let you get pregnant?" asked Sakura. Naruto's eyes widened comically, and he clutched at his stomach.

"Sakura-chan! Kyuubi stops me from dying! He heals me if someone puts a chidori through my chest. He doesn't give me a-a-a- he doesn't give me baby making equipment!" Naruto said, his voice cracking a little, making rapid hand gestures to illustrate what he meant.

"But...but you and Sasuke are an OTP!" insisted Sakura.

"A what?" asked Shion.

"A One True Pairing," clarified Sakura.

Oh.

Oooooooh.

The penny dropped.

"Sakura," began Kakashi. "You've been reading fanfictions, haven't you?"

"N-n-n-n-no, of course not, why would you think that?" denied Sakura, doing a fabulous impression of Hinata.

"Sakura," said Kakashi again. "Fanfictions aren't real. Naruto and Sasuke don't feel like that towards each other in real life. Right, Naruto?" The jounin looked at Naruto who 'mmm'ed unconvincingly. There was a growl form the direction of Neji. EVeryone turned to the Hyuuga questioningly, who cleared his throat and said "It was not me, it was fate."

"Right," said Temari. "And Gaara has eyebrows."

"Gaara-san has eyebrows? I haven't seen them!" said Lee, surprised.

"No, he doesn't have eyebrows at all. That's the whole basis of the Lee/Gaara pairing," Sakura said. Lee started to ask a question but luckily was interrupted by Kakashi.

"And Sasuke doesn't feel like that about Naruto," He finished. Sakura huffed.

"Of course you would say that," she scoffed. "You wouldn't want them together, because Naruto looks just like your teacher that you were entirely in love with, and don't even get me started on Sasuke-kun. One month training together in the middle of nowhere? As if." Neji nodded as Sakura voiced his suspicions. Shikamaru took a nap while Temari braided his hair.

"Aah, you've been reading some of the more eccentric pairings, I see. I was wondering why you hadn't been able to meet my eye recently," kakashi mused.

"That, and the Sakura and Kakashi ships," admitted Sakura, flushing red.

"Aah," said Kakashi. There was silence.

"So can I have Naruto, or not?" asked Shion.

'No's, 'yes's and 'troublesome's were heard. Shion sighed, getting out a pen and paper and scribbling something down before passing it to Naruto. "This is my number, call me when this is resolved."

"We have phones?" asked Naruto.

"Of course we have phones. Don't you remember in Sasuke's flashback of the clan massacre where Itachi was perched on some telelphone wire?" pointed out Sakura.

"Actually, that's perching wire. It's just for perching," said Kakashi.

"Bye everyone!" called Shion, starting to walk away.

"Where are you going?" asked Temari. "Aren't we supposed to escort you back?"

"I'm just moving away from the oncoming wave of lava that's threatening to engulf you all," Shion said pleasantly.

"O Shi-"


End file.
